Nov 23, 1997

What I see

rain, cold feet, wet hair

problems, solutions, evolution

no solutions - no evolution

What I want

Thinking, warm feet

problems, solutions, evolution

Don't want

problems, no solutions, de-evolution



I'm changing the main and rod bearings in my little car today. It has been

knocking something fierce. I've been using the company car since I got

here and feel quite uncomfortable doing so. If I can get the knock out

I'll sell the darn thing, and buy a truck. Ah, shit. No-body knows what I'll

do. least of all me. I just take one day at a time. Get the bearings

replaced. It raining and I don't want to go out and lay in the wet under a

car. So, instead I will sit here and ramble.

I think a lot of death. It seems like home sometimes. It is comforting to

know that it is so close. I want to go home, but I keep thinking that

there is something that I need to do here. I think that it has been a long

time since I made it to 40 years old. I used to think that I was just

going through the motions, that I had done it all before and that I was

just reliving life. Now, life is easier, but it seems so unfamiliar. I'm

a stranger here. Everyone else seems so comfortable with it.

You don't seem so comfortable with it either. But I sense that you have

made it to the higher years many times. I sense that you have been working

on this project of yours for at least 4 lives maybe more. It will not be

done this time either. You have more to do. You probably know more that I

about your past lives and I apologies for intruding on your ground.

You know? Letter writing is a much more honest form of communication than

speech. Face to face speech has too many alternative forms of

communication involved. Body language and voice inflection can make a

simple statement relay an opposite meaning. All verbal communication

should be halted until we are all versed in the reading of body language

and voice inflection. I know that we all instinctively understand body

language and voice inflection, and that's what makes it such a powerful

manipulation tool. Sometimes you don't receive the message consciously,

only unconsciously. This is not good. We need clear communication.

I think it was Oscar Wilde, that said, "Language was not created in order

to allow other to understand us, it was created in order to hide


And it is so very effective today because we have lost our ability to

consciously understand all the other forms of communication.

Try not to analyze the words I wrote and try not to read between the lines.

Read what I say and record your opinions based on what was written. Don't

look for hidden meaning. I would like to establish a communication based

on words. Later me can bring to attention what we think the hidden

meanings are within the writing.

Later, Brien

Nov 25, 1997

Hurrah... I knew it would be a short time before I could not afford one

of your works. Freedom for Julia! ( For a couple of months anyway.)

Your Post was great. If definitely reflected the a positive direction.

Open and Honest, beautiful, funny, and right on target. When you say stuff

like that I can understand why people think you are a sage. But you were

wrong about how I perceive you. What you described, (in my opinion), was

how you show yourself to me. This is a great example of how things get

confused. I have to bring up your post and re-read it so that I don't

misquote you. Pause....

You said

I want you to see an intellectual equal, someone who is outside

chronological concepts of space and time, a person who sometimes needs

nurturing and who is fun. I don't think you see me like that. I believe

you see me like this: an angst-ridden old fraud with one foot in the grave

who is liable to leer at you from time to time in the faint hope that

.......... That is not my aim. It may be the aim of the Reptile but it

is not my aim......

I say....

First I have to stop laughing. Not at you, but with you. You created a

wonderfully funny caricature. I envision a female version of Charles

Bukowski. No, even though you sometimes project that persona I have never

thought that it was who you thought you were.

I see...

I sometimes see the child that looks for approval, and that amazes me

because I see my self as a child needing approval. Why would someone look

to a child for approval? I ask that question rhetorically.

I sometimes see a glimpse of what I call the dragon. Never seen it full out

and don't want to. Scary.

The "Voice of Ego". We have a tendency to compete. And that makes me

uncomfortable. I see that aspect of you all to often and I think that I

show you that aspect of me too often. This "Persona" is difficult to get

away from once we engage in it. There must be some tools that allow us to

disengage from this type of interaction without appearing to "give in". If

you know of a method please pass it on to me.

The Voice of Shadow. Seen it and don't like it. But realize that it is

part of being human and that we have to look beyond that and search for the


I think I got a bit of the Genius coming through in your last messages.

I wish I could continue but it is after 8 AM and work is happening. I

probably will not write for a while because of the fact that we have a ship

coming in and I will be working all most around the clock until it leaves.

But I look forward to rereading your words, and contemplating them. Then

getting back to you beginning of next week.

I agree that we should be gentle with each other, but let us not be

patronizing. You and I can be honest without being cruel. and if some

words are taken as being cruel please allow the other to have a chance to

rectify or elaborate. Or even to admit. Some times the easiest way to

defuse a situation is to bring it to light and observe it.

Again, Thanks,

Forward with a brush!


Nov 26, 1997

Now I've three from you I have to read carefully. I sit at my desk and

whip out e-mails all day long. Over 15 a day easily. But, to answer yours

I need more time. All the work related stuff is just off the top of my

head and comes out automatically. Next week I'll have something.

Gotta go

enjoy the meal.

Don't be sad for me, I got a fortune cookie once, (that I still have), it

says, " Everything you do is in accord with the cosmos." I believe it. If

I end up in a gutter, it will be because I wanted it. I accept that and

will use it for what it is, Growth. If I am happy it is in accord with

the cosmos. If I am unhappy, that too is in accord.



Nov 27, 1997


You wrote so much to me the last couple of days. I want to think and

answer each subject. So, I'm going to insert what you wrote and then write

a response. I don't want you to think that I am trying to take what you

have said to me apart, I just want to make sure that what I answer to, does

not get crossed inappropriately to something else.

You Said------

" I see you as a deeply sensitive person who is sometimes afraid to show

that side of yourself ."

I also believe that I am a deeply sensitive person. As I believe that we

all are. That you are able to see that in me indicates that I am not all

that afraid to show it. The people that we don't think are deeply

sensitive people are the ones that are afraid to show it. The times that I

am afraid to show my sensitivity are the times when I am cold and


I see you as a deeply sensitive person who is not very often afraid to show

it. It is nice.

As to it being "tough to be a man".... We can show weakness to other

men as long as the other man is your hunting partner. If he is hunting


then, don't show weakness. It is a tough game but it really is a lot of

fun. Men are actually much more open with each other than are women. We

recognize the pack mentality and "top dog" status. Once the battles have

been won and you reach your level in the pack you can fight the occasional

small battle to maintain your level and every once in a while test the

weakness of the level above. These battles can be intellectual, political,

manipulative, and sometimes physical. When you lose it can be devastating.

But when you win, it is "Good." I have been fighting a lot of battles the

last four weeks due to the fact that I'm new to everyone. Everybody,

including the Women, are testing for weakness and strength. They are

finding out who my allies are. They do this by setting me off and then

waiting to see who I contact and how that person reacts. Because I forced

such a big Salary, I gained more allies. The people who approved my salary

have an investment in me. I am their tool. I can't ask for their help with

my small battles too much else they will see a bad investment. But I can't

exclude them from my battles else they may think that I think I'm more

powerful that they want me to be. But in the beginning there is quite a

lot of leeway. Everybody knows that the "New Guy" is finding his level.

It is a good time to find out who the asshole are. I've found a couple.

Luckily they are not going to bother me too much. Women are much more

difficult to deal with. Because, they understand that men are more linked

to the Lizard Brain than they are, they have an extra tool. The smile, the

walk, ect... If a guy tried to manipulate me with the tools that a woman

does,.... Well, for one I'd be shocked, two I'd think that he was a

comedian, three I'd think he was gay. But a woman can use these tools and

expect a man to think that she does not want to have sex. Russian women

are not like that. They have the stern pissed off look and treat me like

a jerk, unless they are interested in me. If they are interested in me

they do the "Look."

Shit, I don't know Julia. I don't see myself as being very sexy. I

believe I'm handsome, but that is only because I'm a man. Every man thinks

he is handsome. I try to exude a sense of aloofness and disinterest. I

guess that just gets women even more interested.

You Said----

"However, I don't think you need to have a façade if you have faith in

your abilities."

I disagree. We need our facades.

"The most important thing in life is to assume a pose. The second thing

is...... Nobody has figured that out yet." Oscar Wilde Again.

I don't know where I'm getting these quotes from old Oscar. I never

liked his books, except for the one about the painting that grows old.

It is all a game, and an act. To state other wise is to try to bullshit

someone into thinking that you don't have an agenda. That you are being

totally honest. No such thing. I'll tell you a little story.

I was having difficulties with a girlfriend I was living with while I was

in college. She accused me of playing games with her. I wasn't playing

games in the sense that she was indicating, but I was toying a bit. I

asked her to explain. She said, "You are acting." I thought about this,

and of course I had to agree. For I don't know of any other way to get my

body to function, except to act is if it is. I other words. (And I

explained this to her.) If I want to talk to you, I must act as if I am

talking to you. If I want to put a spoon in a bowl of cereal, then I must

act as if I am holding a spoon, and make the appropriate "actions" to bring

the spoon into the bowl. If I want to put a spoon in a bowl of cereal, it

would not be very effective to act as if I was vacuuming the rug. "So", I

said to her. "You would like me to act honestly. Do, you want me to have

my action represent what I want?" She said she did. I said, "No problem.

I can play that game. I'm very good at that game. That is what I call

the ""No game, game"".

I got very excited because that really is a fun game. Women are not very

good at, but men love it. It is a power game. We men normally use this

game to accomplish very difficult tasks. I explained the rules of the

game, and then tried to come up with a goal to accomplish. She got pissed

off with me and didn't want to play.

The point is this. She initiated a game of manipulation to try to gain

more personal power by trying to get me to "be honest." Her agenda was to

have more control over the events in her life. The only problem, was that

I was the event in her life that she wanted control over. We broke up.

You Said----

"However, I don't think you need to have a façade if you have faith in

your abilities."

Anyway, all I have is faith in my abilities. I have nothing else. I

don't want anything else. I have always admired the Plains Indians, and

East Coast Indians. When a man reached a level of success that put him in

comfort, he would give all his stuff away. That must have been difficult

to do. I'd like to try it with a lot of stuff. I've done it a couple of

time, but with very little to give away it is easy to do.

If we don't have ability, or faith in our ability then we are welfare


I remember one winter after I had bought Trafalgar/Fanfare I had spent all

my money on boat repairs. I was living down in Lodi, CA with Nellie. I

had three hundred dollars. I could not find a job in CA that paid enough to

support a wooden Sailboat. So drove my VW up to Seattle to look for a

winter fishing job. I stayed on a friends sailboat out in Shilshole

Harbor. I found a job on a boat that did not pay wages only a crew share.

Christmas night I was putting in a kitchen counter for the boat. The

owner came on board. He looked around and left without saying a word to

me. I packed my bags and left. I did not come back. I slept in my car on

Christmas night. I was very sad. But, I had ability.

You said------

"Both of us have dropped some armor, therefore we are more vulnerable and have our metaphorical backs to the wall. It pays us to be gentle with

each other. It is extremely rare for me to talk to anyone the way I talk

to you - I am usually as tight as a clam. But I trusted you in that light

when I first met you - it seemed safe, in my heart. Yet my head told me

you should be the last person I ought to allow to take down my guard.

Strange, which brings me to my rationale on our selves."

You are exactly correct here. Don't stop talking, but realize that I will

hurt you sometimes, as you will hurt me. I will try to be gentle, but I

refuse to treat you as powerless. Whether you know it or not, you exude

great power. When we play with great power expect to be nicked a few

times. I see that at times you are uncomfortable with it and try to hide

it. That is OK also.

I see you as.......

Very Powerful. You have single highhandedly created the Navigator. And all

that springs from it, is from you. When I first met you, I was intrigued.

will tell you what I saw.

As you know. I was looking to sell Fanfare. I had set, what I thought was

a high price and I had given myself a very short time period to sell. If I

didn't sell the boat in two months I was going to sail it to Mexico. I had

just painted the top sides when you walked up to the boat, and said.

"You have a beautiful boat. I would like to buy it." I said, "Wonderful,

I would like to sell it."

You said, "I don't have any money." I said bummer, "That's what I wanted."

You Said, "I have some paintings." I said, "Great, sell them and I'll

take the money." You were not afraid of ridicule. You had faith in your

convictions. I did not have faith in your convictions, but I was impressed

with your faith. I don't know if I saw power, but I must have sensed it,

for I did come over and talk to you more. Your painting were strange to me

and many I did not like. You were strange

I did not see a physically beautiful person. That is your chosen suit.

Use it to your advantage. Many people think that a beautiful woman is

lucky. But, all to often a beautiful woman, is used as wall paper in a

man's life.

When we first met, you were peaking out of hiding. You had secrets. You

let me know you would like to share some of these secrets with me. I was

lost in my own world as I so often am. Most of the time other people don't

interest me unless they are doing something interesting. At the time I did

not know if what you were doing was interesting or not. I knew you were

not going to buy my boat, so that took a lot of pressure off me. In other

words I wasn't going to lose a sale if I pissed you off. You did not

attract me physically so that took a lot of pressure off. I was not

necessary that you like me.

These, to me, are the best types of friendships. I did not come to your

rescue, and you did not come to my rescue. We chose to be friends based on

mutual interest.

But, to play the no game game, correctly I must say that, these types of

friendships don't normally last long for me. I drift away and lose

contact. You have been the one that kept the contact. Right on. Let's

keep it going.

You said.......

"It seems to me that I live in a bee's nest - at least, my head is in it -

the body seems to hang apathetically outside." In that nest are many

voices, as I have mentioned before. They can roughly be divided into five


1. Voice of the Reptile - body, lust, food, etc., automatic behavior

2. Voice of the Ego - survival, one-up-manship, goals

3. Voice of the Shadow - repressions, fears, unhappy memories

4. Voice of the Soul - longing, sadness, love of beauty and art

5. Voice of the Spirit/Genius - wisdom, knowledge of right thing to do and


(this one only whispers)

The Ego often wins with the aid of the Shadow even though I have heard my

"genius". Then I usually curse, cover my head and wait for the


With your idea, I have found that it is clearer to me as I have "matured"

(dare I say that?) that (1) I don't always see myself clearly as I feel

pretty good about me sometimes and very dis-satisfied at other times.

Other people have told me I am "too hard on" myself."

My reply

Are you sure that it is not that you, feel good sometimes and dis-satisfied

at others, but that you think other have seen what it is you are trying to


I get depressed, or sad, or dis-satisfied when I think that I have shown

others something of myself

that I don't want them to see.

You said

(2)Likewise, I think others see me in a good light when I feel good

about myself, and when I am

depressed and condemn myself, I get paranoid and feel abandoned and uncared


I reply

I do this also. The key words here are, "I think others see me......"

You said

(3) I want others to see me as completely as possible, both through

what I reveal to them and what they are in themselves, for that colours

their thinking. I prefer "tint" to "taint", as, who can say, is it bad to

be unable to see a person thoroughly? Or are we asking too much?

I don't think that we are asking too much. And I admire your ability to

allow others to see you completely. I can't do that yet. Although I

believe that most people do see through me, it is not what I would like.

That they tint their view is all right. I mean I can do nothing about

that, so why worry. It's what I think I show that bothers me.

You Said

(4) How others see me is a factor that I can manipulate. For we can

put on a

persona - façade - which will fool most people and give us what we want

from them. Only someone experienced with behavioral psychology can see

through the mask by the process of inversion.

I reply

Be careful. What you think they see is not what they see. When you do

this, you mostly fool yourself into thinking that you are fooling others.

Usually that is good enough, because as you said in the next paragraph,

most people are not even thinking of you or I, they are more concerned with

how they appear to others.

You said

I have also found during my time on the profane plane that although I went

through agonies of shyness and had a raging inferiority complex for years,

that really most people were not even thinking about me, let alone in a

negative fashion. The sad truth was - they were not as interested as I

thought they were and regarded me as most strange when I would accuse them

of ignoring me (which was true, but the reason was that they were too busy

thinking about themselves.....)

I reply

Sometimes it is comforting to think that others see us as strange or

different, because to see them is so depressing, we can't imagine that we

are just like them. And yet we are.

You said

When I make contact with a new person I cannot usually say that I want

anything from that encounter - I try to leave it open so that I do not have

expectations or desires. (This has sometimes proved difficult!) But I

can usually get what I want if I want something, by focusing on what I

want, not on the person. Does that make sense?

I reply

Yes, prefect sense. I agree and like to think that I do the same thing.

Although I realize that all interaction involves some transfer of energy,

and that ultimately that is what we want from encounters.

You said

It would be interesting if we swapped ideas on "who I want you to see".

I want you to see an intellectual equal, someone who is outside

chronological concepts of space and time, a person who sometimes needs

nurturing and who is fun. I don't think you see me like that. I believe

you see me like this: an angst-ridden old fraud with one foot in the grave

who is liable to leer at you from time to time in the faint hope that

........... That is not my aim. It may be the aim of the Reptile but it

is not my aim......

I reply

When I read it this time it was not very funny. I understand that this

bothers you. I am very demanding of myself and spare nothing on those I

care about. I can and will be nurturing, but probably not in the sense

that know. I am smiling now as I write this. It is a smile of

understanding and compassion. Now is not the time for you to give away

power. Buck up.

You said

Now it's your turn.

I reply

I want you to see an angst-ridden old fraud with one foot in the grave

who is liable to leer at you from time to time in the faint hope

that.......I don't think you see me like that. I believe you see me like

this: an intellectual equal, someone who is outside

chronological concepts of space and time, a person who sometimes needs

nurturing and who is fun.

I just had to do that. It really isn't that far from the truth. I

want you to see an ordinary person that is dealing with ordinary problems

in an unordinary way. I believe that you see something more. And I know

that there is nothing more to me than what is more to everybody;


You said

You got me with the paragraph about "the reality of the existing

perception" - I had to rev. up my exceptionally acute brain to full

throttle to work that one out! But I like the "I".

I reply

Did I say that? What does it mean? I think it means to have the ability

to perceive what you see as cleanly as possible. To try to filter the

obvious prejudices and to see things in a child like manner. It may be too

late for us to do that. The "reality" is child like. The existing

perception is not necessarily.

You said

Yes, you have a tough job and I admire you. Keep up the swimming!

Hopefully you will find the Legislator swimming the opposite way and

I reply

Thanks I admire you. Enough about the Legislators. I'm going to sleep.

Hope your Thanksgiving was wonderful. Mine was.

Nov 30, 1997


What I wrote in the last few days was only in response to your mail. This is the second time you have "inserted" exactly what I said in order to respond to it - which would indicate your need for exactitude. It seems that in the past you have crossed inappropriately with several other people. I wonder if that is because they didn't get your exact message or whether you are giving mixed messages?

My response to your most recent message was firstly, a desire to throw up. When I had overcome that, (fear), I became angry (defence). I feel as if I have been shredded, divided into little analytical parcels which are placed in a row and each receive the (appropriate) reply.

I disagree with some of what you said. Not everyone is "deeply" sensitive. Some people are relatively thick-skinned. Women are just as open with each other as men - a man can't know that because he is not a woman. Women are linked to the Lizard Brain just the same, what is perceived as a "tool" is the lizard response. If a man is only attuned to the lizard response in himself, that is all he will see from a woman. He will see manipulation from a woman which is geared to satisfying her desires. A man who sees life like that is blind to the other side of women. He regards women as low-life beings who only seek to control. That is not necessarily true. It depends what level one wishes to communicate on, for there are many.

Why do you "try to exude a sense of aloofness and disinterest"? Is that being honest?

Our egos create our façades. If we need our masks it is because we look at the world through ego and not beyond it. The ultimate poseur, Oscar Wilde, could have his sentence finished thus "The most important thing in life is to assume a pose. The second thing is to dispense with it".

You like Oscar because he is a cynic, too. His cynicism molded his life.

I disagree that letter-writing is a "much more honest form of communication". It is "verbal" communication since words are used, but not oral. The really truthful thing to do would be to spend a week with someone (who cared) and not speak at all. That way one would maybe get down to the root of a relationship through body language. The written word has as many inflections as the spoken, and therefore does not convey thoughts accurately.

You said on Nov. 18th "Let all the mind games go. I'm not playing games with you". I do not believe you are playing games with me. Yet you say in your most recent, "It is all a game, and an act. Etc.." Which do you think it is, really? The no-game game or the game of no-game?

It is possible that we cannot stop playing games until we reach a higher level with other people and see more clearly. Again, it is the ego which plays the games - it is the puppetmaster.

The ego programs certain responses and stores them in the subconscious. Putting a spoon into a bowl of cereal is not a conscious act - we do not consciously think "I need a spoon to eat this cereal", we know it subconsciously because it is a programmed reaction. When you drive a car, you are not thinking all the time "I am driving this car. I must swing the wheel to the left to avoid this squirrel. I must change gear on this hill. I must accelerate to pass this truck" You just do it, and at the same time you can be carrying on a conversation with your passenger that you are consciously thinking about. It is not possible for more than one thought to be present at a time in your conscious mind. But it is possible to act subconsciously and consciously at the same time.

The power/passion prank is high on the Tree of Life because it is a basic survival battle. If you men use the power game you expect the appropriate response from a woman to be passion. If the woman uses the power game, the man becomes more passionate, and thus more vulnerable. That is scary. It is interesting that you say "I explained the rules of the game" (to Linda). Why only your rules? Maybe you initiated the game of manipulation by playing it in the first place? She merely observed that it was happening.

Do you think that when your relationships enter a phase where you feel that the woman has gained control, maybe you flee, or break up? I noticed that in your story about driving the VW up to Seattle you worked quite hard on putting in the kitchen counter for the boat. You felt you had the ability to do it. Yet, when the owner came on board and did not comment on it, you "packed your bags and left". That seems to indicate no deep faith in your abilities since your ego was unjustly hurt, and responded. Faith in your abilities must go beyond ego.

I am not powerful, only appear to be. The Navigator created himself - he is outside me. You have not penetrated far under the mask, yet. If you treat me as powerful, you will feel my power. This is not a game. I will follow it to the end. I intrigued you - isn't that more interesting than catching your eye by a temporary attraction? Maybe when I chose my destiny I decided that if I was attractive it would divert people from the real meaning of my life. In fact, many men have considered me attractive, and some have called me beautiful, so maybe they see something in me which is invisible to you.

Of course we are not interested in people who don't interest us! So, you only want the women to whom you are attracted to like you, and the rest of us can go to hell, is that it? As you must be well aware by now, physical attraction does not usually last unless there is more to a relationship than that.

I disagree that I am "the one that kept the contact". Each time I did contact you - you had the choice of responding, or not. You responded and the contact was maintained. You preferred to act passively, as you have told me. That way, there could be no risk of rejection. I realize that every time I contact you I am risking your rejection or non-response. When we do that, we empower ourselves. You have, now, also risked my rejection by responding in a positive way and suggesting we keep it going. That is good, I admire that.

I do not allow others to see me completely. However, what I want them to see, is what they see on a conscious level. I know that because their verbal response perpetuates it. Even you are seeing what I want you to see - you have no idea what is present in the hidden section of myself that I have not revealed. I agree, in a sense we are all alike - underneath. What makes us different is the tower our ego raises in order to defend itself. Each tower, being constructed of a different fabric, makes us unique.

Humour masks pain. To care about someone truly is to share the pain and the pleasure.

When it is all pain, one tends to shut down.

The phrase "the reality of the existing perception" may be considered a paradox, since what we perceive is usually not the "reality". However, there is a further paradox here since the "reality" that we perceive is not reality, either.

It is never too late to return to the child, in fact, it is eventually imperative. The legislators have been mummified - they did their job, but badly.

I was interested that you did not mention anything about the shadow side in your mail. And when I asked "who you wanted me to see" you hid behind the metaphor of the angst-ridden old fraud and did not come out again. Stand up and be counted! I'm waiting. After all, I have been fairly riddled with sword-cuts, am bleeding from many analytical wounds, but fight on......

Parry and thrust, thrust and parry, but care.

Dec 1, 1997

I really did not think that I what I wrote would be taken as a personal

attack on you. I was trying to be open. But if you prefer that I write

stuff that is more benign and less insulting, or less inclined to make you

puke, then fine. Take this.

My Dear Julia,

The weather sure is bad. Don't you think?

Kind of cold too.

How's the weather down there?

Isn't it just beautiful the way the sun reddens the sky in the morning? I

just love to hear the song birds sing outside my window in the morning.

Sent with Love,


PS Let me know if you didn't puke on that.

Dec 1, 1997

Dear Brien,

There was a row of songbirds puking outside my window not an hour ago, although the weather here is simply grand. Not chilly for the time of year, at all. In fact, I thought earlier we were going to be treated to a little wisp of rain but gladly it passed over in time for the church picnic. Bring on the cucumber sandwiches!

I created the personal attack and suffered bitterly for it. I had to think hard for two or three days as to why I was so mad. Now I think I came up with an answer for myself, which I will probably tell you eventually. (This is an annoying hint dragged across the trail). I bring myself down and then have to struggle to motivate myself to do anything. Like I primed four old canvases I have to re-use again (new ones too expensive), and then stood in front of them this morning feeling like I could not conceive another thing to paint. After pacing up and down for a while and worriting myself silly as to my worthlessness, I sat down and continued work on another painting. The day passed successfully and quickly.

You really are great! I have flung some stuff at you and expect you each time to decide - "fuck the old bag" (metaphorically, of course). But you are bravely hanging in. Are we playing a game of chicken? I've played chicken a lot with the sea and won out, so far, but I'm not so familiar with human Fowl play.

My ruminations on play, fowl or not, led me to consider the following: We each have a playroom in which we collect toys. Toys can't fight back - they have to do what we say, play our game. I brought you into my playroom but so far have not managed to find the key to get you started. I think the key is hidden in a place like a jigsaw puzzle or a rubric cube. You put me in your playroom and toyed with me by playing the Bukowski game. It gave you power to think that you might be able to set me slavering, so you put food in front of me and when I tried to grab it, you whisked it away. Now I am sulking in a corner because I don't like that game.

I suppose that eventually we both get tired of our toys, especially when they do not "work" any more, and then we throw them away and find a new one. Only a few toys survive. They are the ones that can take the battering and still come up bald, but smiling. Somebody gave away my bear. Oh! God!. I abandoned him and they took him behind my back. Although he is gone, I remember every hair of his head and his stomach that I operated on to remove the squeak.

There is a story "The Velveteen Rabbit". It is about an old toy that was thrown out and lay in despair on a garbage heap. Then one day someone who was lonely and needed a well-used toy picked him up and kept him safe. I hope that will happen for both of us.

Gepetto wanted a son. He made a perfect puppet, Pinocchio, who came to life. But the living puppet was imperfect - a liar. He had to perfect himself by learning through some horrible experiences to be truthful. Truth sometimes hurts but it is a thing to build on.

So much for today's philosophy. I must confess that when I began to e-mail you I had no idea all this rubbish was going to come out - I really apologise.

I had visions of an occasional note which might say:

There was a row of songbirds puking outside my window not an hour ago, although the weather here is simply grand........ With admiration, Julia.

Dec 2, 1997

It's nice to see that we can come back to an even keel after so hard of a


I refuse to berate you. I know that you do that to yourself enough. And

to tell the truth there is no need for you to "show me" all that is wrong

with me. I see it. I know that I have "woman issues", just to mention

one. I have more demons than I care to tell about. To talk about ones

demons is boring. We all have them. Quit trying to show me mine; as if I

don't see them myself.

For God's sake Julia, you have to see the I am attracted to you, else I

would not continue the "Battle." But, I'm not going to bow before the

"Great and wonderful wizard".

I don't want to get into the game of, "Show me yours and I'll show you

mine", which is what I think you are trying to do with the request that I

tell you my shadow side and you'll tell me yours. And, " Tell me what you

want me to see and I'll tell you what I want you to see." Because those

things change so fast. One minute I may want you to see a weak and

vulnerable person, and the next I may want you to see a strong and arrogant


What I want you to see is what I (think I) am showing you. Now, you can

try to look behind the curtain to see the fraud that I am, but why? That

is you trying to make me "wrong."

I feel that our conversations do not need to be punishing, or revealing, or

have any label.

I get the idea that you need some sort of approval from me on your view,

and that you need me to come around to "see the light." That I will be

your, trophy if you can convert the heathen unbeliever to the righteousness

of you truth. Expect resistance.

I am interested in your opinion. Please present me with your ideas. I

want to dissect them and analyze them. Only in this way can I see the

truth. And believe me if a see truth in what you say I will gladly

incorporate it into my world view.

I must tell one more story.

My younger brother was going to drive me around Seattle one day. We

started out early in the morning in Winslow. First stop was a print shop

in downtown Seattle. We took the ferry over and drove up to the store. It

was on 2 nd & Pike or something. I only needed to go in and pick up

something from the counter, 1 minute only. I asked him to park outside.

Double parked. I ran in grabbed the bag, went outside and saw Robert's car

going around the corner. I was only in there 45 seconds. I waited for

Robert for 20 minutes before I gave up and caught a bus to continue my

chores. I did not get as many things done as I had wanted but never the

less I was back on the boat by 7 p.m. Robert finally showed up at 11 p.m.

He thought that I would be angry with him. But, I wasn't. He asked me

why. I told him. "Robert you punished yourself enough. Your day must

have been a nightmare." He didn't need punishment he needed kindness.

The point is; We punish ourselves more than others could possibly do. I

apologies for making you feel as if I were punishing you, and will try to

refrain from doing so in the future.

With dulled sword, and broken armor

I still see strength and fortitude

I don't want only pleasantries and chit chat

give me ideas and challenges

I will pick apart and analyze both new and old ideas

the truth seeker, can do nothing but....

two of my letters have almost made you throw-up. I don't know if it is my

writing style or the content, or maybe you have a weak stomach. I do know

that I could hardly wait to check my mail this morning. I knew you'd be at

me. It was nice to see that you weren't after my throat.

Take care,


Dec 2, 1997

If we have ourselves a solid boat we can even survive a complete roll over! In fact, that happened to one of my friends a few years ago off Cape Hatteras. After twenty years in the yacht delivery business, she is now in the ER at Johns Hopkins in Baltimore. There wasn't anything else exciting enough to do!

I'm having difficulty with my ball (on the Logitech mouse). It won't roll to the right. Must call Ron as he has a similar mouse..... My phone jack in the computer room died, too. Now we are preparing to run a new line from the main phonebox. For now, I have phone cords spliced together all over the place because I HAVE TO GET MY E-MAIL!

Thank you for not berating me. It shows you understand because, as you say, you feel the same way too sometimes. My curiosity over-reached my common sense and consideration regarding your demons - I was not intending to "show you" - I was actually showing me. That's because me wanted to know you better. We won't discuss it any further.

What is this "wizard" stuff? Which is the wizard, or witch is the hazard? No, please do not bow before anything - that would make the challenge less and I wouldn't want that, would I? Or which eye? I'm embarrassed, now.......

I think you are showing me a good cross-section of yourself, and I think I am seeing what you think you are showing and that is enough. But only Catholics say that a fraud is wrong - in truth, whatever you want to be is right.

I don't believe I am on a crusade to convert you. I talk - or write - the way I do because I believe in what I am saying. I throw it out. To see peoples' reactions. This philosophy is not something I made up, it is something I was led to and shown, and I had to make up my own mind about it. What is appealing to me is the intellectual sense it makes, and I have not succeeded in breaking it down in any way. It is, however, only a part of my life - a part which you have come into contact with because of your "enquiring mind". Do not be afraid I the other person is there in front of you or at a distance. The answer is to be stronger and detach oneself - to realize that one creates the problem - and to stay in ones magical cocoon. I'm still learning that.

I liked your poem! I will make sure to visit the dentist and have my teeth filed down. Then I won't be able to get you by the throat. Maybe I will try grabbing somewhere else......

Thank you for being honest. For God's sake. I enjoy you. Julia.

Dec 3, 1997

Don't be embarrassed. The wizard I was referring to was the wizard in the

"Wizard of OZ." He wanted Dorothy and friends to bow down to him, but Toto

pulled the curtain away and exposed the fact that there was no wizard, only

an ordinary person.

I had a dream last night. I was walking along complaining about something

to a black man, that in the dream was my friend. I said something like,

".......those fucking niggers......" He looked at me and shook his head.

I tried to explain to him that in the context I was using, "nigger", was a

generic term used to put down anybody. But it didn't work. We both knew

that I had insulted him.

In the real world.

At the yard where I work we have a huge gate that is locked up every

evening. The lock is very difficult to get off when it is put on the

correct way. When it is put on the wrong way it is extremely difficult to

get off. Most people can't remove it. I was told not to leave the gate

open in the morning when we come in early, and I passed it on to the guys

that work for me. We have one guy worrying for us that is of native

American background. He acts like he is not sensitive about it but just

due to the fact that he has brought it up tells me that he is. Any way he

is a practical joker. I like him but he can sure find the right buttons to

push. Yesterday I went out and bought a length of chain to secure the gate

with, thereby making it easy enough for the 98 lb accountant we have

working here to open the gate. This morning I came in and found the gate

locked up tighter that it ever has been before. I knew who did it. Things

to say went through my head. One of them was, "....Jesus Christ, I put the

chain on there so you could lock the gate like a fuckin' white man." But,

my dream came back to me. I still may say it to him, but now I'll say it


The sun is beginning to lighten the sky. And I have to check my stocks,


Toodle Lu


Dec 3, 1997

I remember seeing the Wizard of Oz ages ago, but I had forgotten that Toto revealed all. Of course, he was right. I got the Velveteen rabbit wrong - the other rabbits worked magic on him one night and he became a real rabbit. Thus moving from fantasy to reality in eternal happiness.

It is interesting to hear what goes on at your work, the people and so on. It is such a vastly different world from the one I live in. I do remember all the guys at the Trehard yard in Antibes and all the haulouts I did there. Supervising guys on a team (on a rush job) is hard. I found they would be looking down at the dock for women to walk by, and swing the paintbrush real slow. Another man I had help me with my bottom (on "Karekiet") told me he was a Russian prince, but he still stole 200 francs. And I had to re-do his lousy paint job!

It's strange to think that you know nothing of my life back then, so many adventures, so many stories, most of them true...... I think I told you about Maryann Skowronski - Polish immigrant to France - he and I had a thing going for three years 1967/70. He had a boat, of course. He was the guy I contacted and went to see in Lafayette last time. I may have told you I walked in on a difficult situation. He was deep into gambling on the sweepstakes and had spent thousands of dollars over ten years. He tried to get me involved by asking me to post some books he had bought from the sweepstake people. I reluctantly agreed. I did not know until I talked to his wife the next day how deeply in he was - I had to decide whether to tell his wife that he had enlisted my help. If I did, I would betray him, if not, I would be party to behaviour which was breaking up his family. I betrayed him. I wrote and told him - of course, I haven't heard anything since.

When I was going with this guy I really admired his good looks and very muscular but slim frame. He worked out on the beach all the time. I got emotionally involved with him for we were together for a long time, on and off. He was unfaithful to me many times but I hung in there. Finally we lost touch when he sailed to the States. In my memory, I recalled the times with him in an idyllic fashion - there was the sea and sailing, a free life, sex and plenty of good Greek Mavrodaphne wine, and now and again a bunch of charterers to carouse with. For years I felt great nostalgia, and wished to find him again.

When I found him, I saw that he was the same person I knew and he had not changed much. But I saw many things about him I did not like. I asked myself - was I so blind, way back then? Have I changed? Have my criteria for a relationship changed? I wonder now, which it is. The idyll no longer exists - it has been wiped away along with some of my other illusions. I still want to be friends with him but I don't think he will speak to me again.

Dreams are good pointers for day-to-day problems - I think they can give us valuable advice.

Jane and Fletcher come to lunch tomorrow. I haven't told anyone here that you are in Olympia. In fact, only Kim knows that I am talking to you on e-mail because she is nosy. But she doesn't know much. I prefer to keep these things a secret. That way there are no awkward questions to answer and one does not get compromised. Besides, it's much more exciting, don't you think?

All goes well here. Puyallup Victorian Xmas Fair on Saturday with the kids. The Hierophant and $3,000.00 changed hands today. Fare thee well, Julia.

Dec 5, 1997

Hey There

Had a big pow-wow up in Seattle yesterday. I wrote a report a few days ago

that slammed a big project the company has been talking about doing. Saw a

lot of glum faces. I thought about it, and decided to play the game a

little bit. So I did a bit of a turn around, (without contradicting

myself), and told the power people that we should investigate the

possibilities of the implementation of a modified version of the project.

And that we should all go tour of an existing system to learn more of the

intricacies of the plan. I actually said it in a much more bull-shit way.

When you get into this business talk it gets quite easy. So, anyway all

the smiles came back and I was one of the guys. Talk about wanting to

puke. I was embarrassed for them.

When I was 16 years old I told myself that I was not going to do this sort

of thing. I was going to die poor and lonely. But not buy into the

system. Well they wore me down. I joined them.

I wrote a poem a long time ago. I'll try to remember it.

I can't but it implied something like......

When you fight them

you join their ranks

If you ignore them

they will persecute you

When you join them

you can destroy them

just by one's own ineptitude

Talk to you later


Dec 5, 1997

Dear Brien

I'm proud of you. You have the type of intelligence that is so versatile you can mould yourself to whatever situation you are in. Sometimes the best way to influence people, especially those against you, is to appear to go over to their side. As you said - "When you fight them, you join their ranks". When they accept you as one of them, they listen to what you say without finding it threatening. So they lower their barriers. Then you have infiltrated their ideas system and can work from behind.

The whole idea of life is to be a "magician". A magus, or high magician, can manipulate energy fields both in himself and those around him. Examples of this are gurus, saints, yogis and even people like David Copperfield. (I love watching those magic shows!) All of us aspire to be magicians but most of us are not aware of those aspirations. Magic is not something apart from daily life - it is totally integrated into it. One has to look at the world in a different way and "see" the intentions behind other peoples words and actions, like Don Juan.

The way you handled the company pow-wow was magical. But do not despise them - just see them as people - human beings - who have not yet progressed as far but who each have the potential to do so. That is compassion. I have found that every time I swear to myself that I am not going to do something, be something, or get involved in something, that thing comes along and forces me to react to it. It's said that when we oppose a thing strongly we draw it to ourselves, like hatred for a person sucks one into that person's energy and drains our power.

Therefore, love for a person empowers us and also creates great power for them, too.

Don't worry, you are not buying into the system - you are beyond it. We have chosen to live in society - in fact, we have little choice - but in our secret minds we are not part of it, for we see further, and that makes us unique individuals who play the game.

Did you ever read Hesses' "Glass Bead Game"? The first time I started it years ago I put it down because I didn't understand it. When I picked it up a second time I read it thoroughly and understood. I can't remember the hero's name since I don't have the book on my shelves at present, but he spends years shut away from the world in an elite group of people who play this mysterious game. One never finds out what the game is - it is only for intellectuals. Finally he realizes that the game can never be resolved. He returns to the world, and sees it in a new way.

I feel like we have completed one round of a spiral journey. I want to go back to some of the things you talked about and re-assess them. I feel like I rushed over some stuff impetuously. I really enjoy your truthfulness - and depth. When you withdraw, it is not so challenging, but it is a time for us to breathe gently.

I may not be writing for a couple of days as the kids are coming for the weekend. Also, I have to call Dave Carlson (Mahina) who has some work for me. God, you know, I don't mind the boat work but I had gotten myself into a painting mode and have done quite a lot. This will break the spell. Oh! Well, seems I can't get away from the world just yet.....

I switched on this morning and found your message had actually been written only minutes before. (In fact, according to the computer time it was written after I received it!) Somehow I felt closer to you, almost as if we were talking face-to-face. I hope that happens again one day.

Talk to you after the weekend. Take care, Julia.

Dec 5, 1997

Hi There

Who did you have write that last e-mail that you sent to me? I do

appreciate the flattery, but also the insight was clear and unburdened.

Thank You for a beautiful message. Yes, I read the Glass Bead Game. It

was over ten years ago. I read it while I was living in my 1955 chevy

pickup truck with an 8 foot cab over camper on it. I was studying

Electronic Engineering at Cal Poly in San Luis Obispo, CA. I had taken a

Modern Philosophy class, that was supposed to be for graduating seniors, (

I was a Sophomore), but I just would not leave the room when the Prof.

asked everybody that was not a senior in their last quarter to leave. So,

I stayed. Everybody else was a Philosophy Major, I was an Engineering

Major. I found out the Prof. was a devote of Bertrand Russell, so I wrote

my final paper on how great he was. I got an A in the class. I had to

talk to everyone else in the class with a dictionary in one hand, because I

could not understand half the words they used. I was constantly looking

words up and asking really stupid questions. I think that I challenged

then because I was not brainwashed into thinking a certain way. After

class the Prof. and I would walk and argue about what I thought were stupid

points. He invited me to go with him and his family to Catalinia Island on

his Yacht. I went to Alaska instead. I lived on the side of the street in

my camper. Reading the Bible and arguing with the religious fanatics.

But, they were always able to throw me for a loop. They had the confidence

of their convictions to fall upon, all I had were my doubts. I studied

Subjects called Fourier Analysis, and Rate and Transport Theory. I taught

minority Engineering students 20 hours a week. I sat at a desk and kids

would come to me with problems to solve, most of the time on subjects I had

never heard of. But I know how to find the right answer. It was a great

job. Always in the firing line. I never knew what someone would ask. I

always had 4 or five books going at one time. Played pick up racket ball

and got beat by GIRLS all the time. Yeah, I read Herman Hess. Thanks

for the memory refresher.

I also need to go back over the past messages. There is much that you said

that I wanted to "Look into", but got diverted.

I'm 5 days behind on my rent. I'm never home. I leave at 5 AM and come

back at 8 PM. Tomorrow is laundry day, and pay the rent day, and seal the

leaky roof day, and finish a couple of other things also.

Talk to you when I talk to you.

Enjoy the weekend


PS. Reading what you wrote, made me feel good. Isn't it interesting that

something you wrote and sent to me, is able to alter me physically. That

is a transference of energy. This is what you talked about in your letter.

You see, you are a magician also. If you had cursed me and put me down,

that would have made me feel a different way. Words are powerful magic.

Keep writing.

Dec 8, 1997

Well, actually, I wrote it myself! The compliments were not intended as flattery, for that would "get me nowhere". They are a sincere appreciation of your talents. I have the impression that there aren't nearly enough people out there who have pointed out your abilities to you. Because you have been honest with me about yourself, I am able to free myself up from my demon of self-defence, banish him, and open some doors to my (hopefully) real and more vulnerable self that hides behind ......

The ideas are age-old and the magical work is referred to as Alchemy (meaning "The chemistry" in Arabic) or as the "Great Work". The Great Work is the work each individual, or Monad, must concentrate on in order to achieve understanding about life and growth during their time here on earth. No one is called to the Great Work until they are considered by their higher Self to be ready to undertake it, for it is very difficult. Once a person begins the Work, it can never cease, for it transforms their way of thinking and sets them apart from the world - yet they must remain in it. The juggling required to be successful in this duality is not easy.

When I met you I felt you had reached the point where the Great Work was calling you. Everything in your life that had been significant and that you remember as vital is pointing the way. That includes your interest in Philosophy, Science and Theology, for these are the three "legs of the Tripod" which, when synthesized, lead to greater knowledge. You went to Alaska ten years ago instead of to Catalina with the Prof. because you were not ready for the challenge. The Great Work dares you to be different - and maybe now you are ready, and moving in.

Alchemy, or "the chemistry" is the art of controlling our bodily energy, which is the "fire". It literally produces our body heat, sexual desires and creative thinking. Like our conscious mind, it can only direct its full forces in one place at a time, at least, until enlightenment is achieved, when it pervades the whole person. So when a person knows how to put their energy under their will-power - the "sword" - they can move it from one area of their body to another. I have already mentioned this to you a while back. That is why, before a great athletic event, the contenders are asked by their coaches not to engage in sexual congress. That way the energy is contained and kept at a high level for the event.

Throughout your life it seems to have mirrored exactly what your parents did not want you to do. Living on the side of the road - which, in a sense, you are still doing; bucking society; disagreeing with the system. I totally sympathize with that. For myself, I know my life was a constant effort to get as far away from the system as possible - to defy it, deny it. Even at 17 I was writing mutinous poetry about society. (I will dig one up and send it). This defiance - refusal to accept the values of the "herd" - is our individuation. We have to become individuals who are free from the rules of society before we can understand the Great Work. So all of your life has ben a preparation for that understanding.

I did not invent the idea of "the chemistry". I stumbled across it and fell upon it when I realized it held the answer to many of my questions. From 1989 until the present, I studied every book I could lay my hands on. The tarot deck is the result of that. And now I am under its spell and have made my commitment to it. The Arabs were the people who preserved the ancient mysteries by literally taking them into the "desert" where they could be safe after the Christians invaded the Middle East and "overthrew" paganism. (They actually cleverly incorporated it into their system - the manipulative cheats.)

It is only now that the true meaning of alchemy can again move to the front of the stage. I received in the mail the other day a brochure from Six Pillars - a book distribution co. in Seattle. One of the books they advertise is Maria Szepes "The Red Lion - The elixir of Eternal Life" described as an "alchemist novel". All of Carlos Castaneda's books on Don Juan are alchemical, although the transformations were aided by pyschotropical drugs. As I move amongst those who make spiritual transformation their lifes' work - whether they are on the same path or not, we all agree that we are caught up in a great resurgence of inner power which is in the process of transforming mankind and moving it to the next level - of intelligence. Even the doctors are now, finally, bowing to alternative medicines and starting to incorporate new healing techniques along with recognized surgical procedures.

It is all very exciting and bodes well for the future. This quantum leap in intellectual understanding takes place from the "tripod" I mentioned before. Some are in the forefront and some follow behind. Others cannot make the leap yet, and they are many. You and I have taken off - we met each other in mid-air and recognized our positions. You have given me incredible energy. I hope that your path will be beside mine for a while - I feel more life flowing through my veins and determination to pursue my quest with your words echoing in my mind.

I can't say any more...........

Dec 10, 1997


Thank you for being honest. I am truly interested in the things you write

about. I did not even get a chance to check my mail for the last couple of

days. I want to sit tonight and think about an honest and insightful

answer. Look for mail from me tomorrow morning. I believe in the what you

say, it is just that I am scared of it. To be explained later. I've seen

the power potential and seen the actual power get out of hand. Don't flood

me with too much info just yet.

I'm on company time right now so,..... Later

Hope Puyallup when well for you.



Dec 11, 1997

Hello, Brien!

Sometimes you make me exasperated! Nobody ever said that the "Great Work" was not simple - but what is said is that it is hard, not complicated. It is often harder to simplify things than to turn them into "balls of snakes".

On one hand you say one must not follow, yet on the other hand you say one must not stop "asking and seeking". If one seeks, one must walk alongside the one from whom one requires the answer, the clue. It need only be for a brief moment - then one can continue alone.

The only path is your path - it is, indeed, your unique path. One of the vital things to do on the path is to dispel ignorance - the greatest sin of all. If talking to someone who is on a parallel path can help to create awareness - then it is worth it. Now you say "send me more" power - then you denounce the Work and say it is not that great - but my power, if indeed it exists, comes from that. It seems contradictory. (If I ever sound patronizing - please let me know.)

The contradiction in your mind is the paradox - you are experiencing fear, you are scared of what goes on in your head - yet it calls you, constantly. How can one answer the call as long as the voice of fear speaks a warning? "The way to enlightenment is not to follow" - the greatest paradox of all. What is a paradox? A self-contradictory statement. Could that mean that "the way to enlightenment is to follow?" or "the way from enlightenment is to follow?" or even 'the way to darkness is to follow". Once one moves beyond the rational mind, anything is possible.

When I tell you anything about my way it is because you asked. But, do I want an ape to communicate with? Do I want a person who is going to say "Wow, Julia, I really believe in everything you say, and I will follow it to the letter." NO! I want another mind, another unique point of view, another human being, to bounce off and to throw the ball back and forth, for we learn through communication with both like and unlike minds. Please stay on your own path. That does not mean to say we cannot exchange ideas. Who knows, maybe you will succeed in converting me to Bertrand Russell's philosophy - but it might be a hard sell.

Why do you get into arguments? Maybe it is your way of growing. Your precognition regarding subsequent deeds could be called intuition. One often knows before one does something that it is "not good" - but somehow we pig-headedly go right on and do it. I've done that a lot.....

You are already at the point where you cannot turn back. The path behind you has disappeared. That's because you "know" more than you did before - at the beginning of your path you were more ignorant than you are today. It is really fun to be considered "nuts" - I love to freak people out by things I do and say. Who wants to be a part of the world as it is? You are already different - enjoy it! Enjoy going it alone, and feel that "asking and seeking" are part of that.

I'll tell you a story. In 1989 I met Rick Stratton. I was impressed, not to say overawed, by his esoteric knowledge. I must say that I thought myself "in love" with him. What I was in love with was his apparent wisdom. As I got to know him better, I started to ask questions of myself. Why did he always say "meditate on it" when asked a profound question? Why did he always act mysterious and unfathomable? Why did he not live by his own words? My skepticism grew steadily as I asked myself these questions. At the same time, I began to see the path ahead that he had pointed out. I got myself a metaphorical pair of binoculars to scan the path. In the meantime, he dropped behind - his path began to diverge. I finally totally repudiated him. Now when I look back on the partnership I realize it was never the intention of my destiny to become his disciple. Instead, my destiny allowed me enough time with him to "provision" for the journey alone.

Rick and I were good friends. I dedicated my book to him. I would love to see him again, but I cannot, at the moment, because his friends have told me he is a blackmailer. I know that to be true. I can't get involved with that. Otherwise we would still be in touch, I think, and would be supporting each other on parallel paths.

When one looks at the past pattern of teacher/guru and pupil/disciple in the Great Work, it can be seen that in each case the pupil disassociated from the teacher after a period of time and went on a separate way. Because major egos were involved in organizations like the Golden Dawn, often there was a good deal of anger and backbiting caught up in it. Pride is, after all, the final impediment to enlightenment.

That is why I don't want you to follow my way - because I want to keep you as my friend.

Let's just keep throwing the ball back and forth when we feel like it. We can intersperse the heavy duty stuff with comments on ordinary life. Today I enjoyed looking at the dawn, for as the earth rolled around towards the sun, the sky was tinted with a dozen different colours. The songbirds were happily pecking away at their seed-table. All is well. Keep writing. Julia.

Dec, 11, 1997

I know what you are talking about when you say the Great Work. Sometimes I

feel as if I was introduced to it many lives ago and have deliberately

chosen to ignore it. It calls and I turn my head to ponder simple things.

Wasn't it Herman Hesse, in Sadartha, that he said, (or maybe it was

Krishnamarti), "the way to enlightenment is not to follow." I took that to

mean that there is no Path to take, each of our ways to enlightenment is

unique. To follow some one else is to "not be on the way." My way, is one

that may seem totally different from yours or anyone else's, and it may

even seem to be the wrong way.

Two days ago I got in an argument with a woman in the laundry room of the

trailer court, where I live. I didn't even look at her. I degraded her.

She broke down, and only then did I see. She was/is insane. Her, (for

lack of a better word), energy was a compact and twisted knot, concentrated

around her head. It looked,( felt), like a ball of snakes. I could see

her squeezing those snakes of energy. I was captured by a wave of remorse.

I was able to bring the situation under control, and even got her to smile

and laugh, but I knew her path was one of tragedy. I did not feel sympathy

for her, because I knew this was her way, but I tried to give her a few

moments of peace.

Don't get me wrong Julia. I don't consider myself a seer or a healer or

even special. But, I must admit that just recently have I been able to tap

into an insight that I have not been able to tap into before. I have even

been experiencing karmic paybacks before the deed. Maybe it is the

closeness to your power. Send me more.

You said that my actions have mirrored exactly what my parent s did not

want me to do. Maybe, I never really knew what my parents, "wanted me to

do", except to get out of the house or to behave myself.

My mother was a "devout" Catholic. Her and I used to go at it. You can't

argue with FAITH. Both my father and his wife were/(are?) atheists. They

and I used to go at it also. I told them that their belief in the

non-existence of God was just a dogmatic and "religious" as a Christian's

belief in the existence of God. I might have converted them to

agnosticism. That was not my intent. I used to tease them and call them

"Fundamentalist Atheists".

I guess you could say that I was not "up to the challenge", in my pursuit

of the Great Work. I believe that in the end you will find that it was not

as great as you thought it was. It is really very simple work. Just

because a man has a professorship does not mean that he has wisdom.

Speaking of being on the path. In my last message I said that I was scared

of "The Way." It is not that I am afraid of going forward, it's just that

I understand that there is no coming back, once you reach a certain point,

the rest of the world considers you "nuts". That bothers me. And the

last thing is that I enjoy "going it alone". It may take longer, but the

Way is, to not stop asking and seeking.

I have to haul water and tote bails, now as it is 7:55 am

Talk to you later,

With Understanding and Light,


Dec 12, 1997

Hi, Brien,

Thanks - I took your morning words into the woods with me and pondered them in the creamy light - soaked leaves underfoot - a whisper of living creatures in the shadows - a half-eaten vole torso lies on the path, headless.

Conflicting desires. Confusion. Contradiction. Consciousness. All begin with "con" - meaning "in opposition to" in Latin. Here lies the teaching within the words. So "consciousness" means, literally, against knowing, against understanding. We are not Ego, but something much more. Why do we bow to Ego? Allow it to dictate our life choices? Maybe it is because we do not recognize the voice of Ego when it speaks, for it speaks in dichotomous tones. Ego is duality, for hiding behind it is Shadow. Shadow is all the experiences that Ego has surmounted during its current lifetime by re-acting to protect itself. Consciousness is symbolised by the sun. When the sun disappears, there are no shadows. The "sun" of Ego-consciousness is there to show us the shadows we have created for ourselves., so that we may come to meet them and absorb them.

When people have not examined their shadows, and they attempt to perform magical rituals, ouija board, etc., they open themselves to influence by their shadow side, for it still contains power. By ignoring it - by ignorance - it gains power. People open themselves up to psychic attack from their own hidden forces when they bare themselves psychically to other realms. I have experienced that, so I am very cautious. Lucid dreaming, if used for ego-gain (such as fucking all the girls in the store!) can be dangerous. The gift of lucid dreaming is offered to be used for insights into spiritual growth.

I love what you say about the Navaho Indian belief. That is beautiful. I think it is the shadows that we contain that separate us. The story goes that when Lucifer, who was a part of God, fell, he still contained the "lamp" of God's light, for "Lucifer" means the lamp-bearer. The original non-separateness "desired to see itself" - so it split into two - duality. The alchemists say that as Lucifer was hurled into his metaphorical abyss, an emerald fell from the middle of his forehead, the position of the third eye. The story goes that Hermes, the Guide of the spiritually "Dead", who is the mercurial spirit of Life, wrote the "Tabla Smaragdina" or Emerald Tablet, which can be identified with the missing "emerald" of Lucifer. The Emerald Tablet is the classical formula of alchemy. It is green because that colour symbolically represents man's Nature. With this formula, which, of course, is written entirely in metaphors so as to be unintelligible to most people, a person can regenerate themselves. In other words, be born anew.

The person who is born afresh is without fear. He or she has made friends with their shadow side, understood it for what it is , and dismissed it. A modern version of this idea is the philosophy of Caroline Myss, who lectures and writes contemporaneously. (Phew!) She says that whatever secrets we have that we are ashamed of, we have to tell them three times, and then let them go, for they hold us back. The three witnesses can be three separate people, talking three times to the same person, or possibly the three witnesses are ourselves, our Higher selves, and one human being.

This "con" - fession (Latin, to speak against - oneself) can be incredibly liberating, for each time it happens one moves on faster than before - the baggage becomes lighter. By telling people that only a priest could exonerate them after hearing confession, the Church gained great psychological power over people. That power was wicked - used to further the greedy aims of the religious authority. In fact, the first items printed on the new printing presses after they were invented c1456, were "pardons" which the church sold to people willing to pay for them!

Gee, I seem to be getting further afield.......and all I wanted to do was tell you that Puyallup was a bit of a farce. Just crafty frou-frou stuff for sale. No rides or street performers. I am definitely not a shopper - unless someone else is buying! The only time I enjoy shopping is in the North African souks and early-morning marketplaces in Italy and France, where the smell of the cheeses, fish and fresh vegetables are mixed with the fascinating characters of the purveyors.

I liked your poem a lot - do you understand now why we are separate? We have to find our way back. We can't do that totally alone. So souls which contain much of the same soul-dust find each other and experience mutual support. Then the alone-ness is less fearful. You are so right about asking your Higher Self what to do - it has a clear voice when separated from Ego. One thing that I have found difficult is that sometimes the Ego/Shadow masquerades as the Higher Self - and one does not realize the deception at first.

The path is not straight, "running all over" is the path. Eden is here, if we can only believe it. You are ahead of me - I have not experienced the "lightning flash" of enlightenment. I know it is there, I acknowledge your superiority by momentarily achieving it. It will come to me when I am ready.

Trying will not bring death, but life. Your poem about the garden wanderer is so true - I liked it because it was addressed to me. I am complimented by it and by your continued open-ness with me.

I will be in touch again on Monday - we have Josie's Ladies' Night here tonight and then I go to Everett/Seattle for the weekend. Take care and keep writing poetry. Julia.

Dec 14, 1997

My dear Brien,

Its true that you told me you were hired for five months at Sunmar. The time passes so fast, it was a shock to realise that it was halfway through already. I will miss our conversations.

For now, I continue with a sad heart to converse.....

I spent yesterday listening to tales, mostly of horror and seldom of delight, since a Tarot reader only gets clients who have problems. I went through five hours of continuous (free) readings, with more and more people signing up as the first ones came out of my room raving about how good my readings were. I was at a wholistic healing shop in Everett. Now they want me to read regularly.

Each person came in as a total stranger. But somehow I could "see" who they were. When I read their cards, I heard my own voice telling them what to do. I watched their faces as they realized they had an answer to their problems. I felt, behind me, the Navigator guiding me and speaking for me. The words were wise, and far beyond my own capabilities. I saw the people leave the room. They were completely energized. I could feel a ball of energy in my solar plexus, too. For a brief moment, I loved them.

You certainly are irritating - which is why I came back to the computer to see what, if anything, was next. I can't stand being bored. You don't bore me. I hate your cynicism, your arrogance, your ambivalence, your distance and cool attitude. Yet they fascinate me, like looking into the glittering eyes of a snake. I struggle to break the snake-spell. I wish only to have a jolly fun time drinking in a pub - I don't want the philosophical complications you throw at me.

Or do I?

Sometimes I feel like I am talking to a machine. Are you real? Or is this a computer programme designed to test my alchemical fortitude? Really, I know nothing. I can't tell you anything, for even to give you an inkling of my philosophy in order to verify information would take months of correspondence - and what would that gain us? Am I something that is like a wall, a boundary that you are bouncing things off? What happened to our "real" world?

I know you better than I ever did before. I knew when we met that this was all inside you. I wanted you to feel it could come out. Even the brief time we have been in contact has changed me in many ways. I am humbled, reduced, but grateful. I will remember how you opened your mind and thoughts to me.

The work you may have to do to verify information for yourself is out of my hands. As far as I can see, the Great Work is about "stopping making it work", too. Stopping and going, pushing boulders or leaving them lie, it is all the same thing. It seems to me that what separates me from you is our outer persona (ae?) for we are very close together in spirit. The barriers between us, or between us and other people, are our egos.

I understand that you are right about the lucid dreaming. I shot it back at you, and that was naughty. You are extremely astute - always watching (observing) - to see if I am going to foul up. I am sitting on a rock and you have your telescope on me. I know about the candy thing - I have eaten my share. Too much sugar. Had to look at the store from a different angle. Now, no sugar.....

Beyond the three veils, truth and falsehood are one. The lepers need love - but where is the fountain which will refresh me? I am ready for death. Julia.

Dec 15, 1997

Hi - I realise I fired off some random shots last night. I just answer your messages the way I feel, and don't think beforehand. I do think afterwards. I have to be spontaneous with you or it is not real. If I hide my reactions, you would not know the truth about me.

I have to go back and think when I get upset. There is something in a message which triggers one of my demons - not something you could possibly know about. We are both taking a risk with this correspondence.

I didn't sleep well last night. I was thinking of "alone and poor". That was the trigger. On a rational level, if that is what you want, it is absolutely ok. Then I thought about the ones who were alone and poor - the little tawdry houses each containing a wistful old face at the window; the hospices filled with abandoned people - AIDS patients whose families had deserted them - who had spent their last dime on medications to prolong their doomed lives; I thought about the raddled, muddled alcoholics roaming the streets; I thought, too, about saints who had shut themselves away from mankind, living on a few charitable scraps. Being alone, and poor, is an experience that neither of us have really suffered. Is that what you really want?

The trigger was this, too. When I was about 24 I was engaged to a nuclear physicist from the Clarendon Laboratory in Oxford, doing post-grad. work. He left the university and got a job in S. Wales working for the steel company, Richard Thomas and Baldwin. Doing blast furnace research. I went to stay with him. He was lonely and depressed. While I was there, he took me on a walk up a hilly road with several hairpin bends. He pointed to a tree at a particular bend and told me he was going to commit suicide there after I was gone. You can imagine how I felt when I left! The anguish continued - knowing that although I cared, I could not stop him - nor did I try to talk him out of it. His life, you know.... After a while he called me. He had made the attempt, succeeded in leaving the road at a great rate of speed, hit the tree, totally wrecked his car and stepped out absolutely unhurt! Suddenly it then became a joke. But I never forgot the feeling of powerlessness. The feeling that someone whom one cares about wishes to end their life, or to turn their back on life. We broke up.

The problem is:- If one feels affection for someone, one is "affected" by their feelings. You mention that "the words of another " can alter your energy. That applies whether they are criticising you or whether they are coming down on themselves. I want to say Please don't come down on yourself. But that would be a control trip and the reason I would want it might be to save myself. Strangely, I don't see you the way you do - I see great potential. But I am powerless to alter your own desires regarding your use of that potential.

I still need to learn, not just to let people destroy themselves, if that is what they want, but to be completely detached about it. Alas, I am not that kind of person. Does that mean I have to change? I don't know.

Today the rain has beaten hope down. There is mud. I don't have a sandbox. So I will sit in a corner with my face turned to the wall.

Slap! Slap! Wake up, Julia! Get your butt out of here and go on with life.

Re. Your thoughts about physics. I never did Math. Physics and chem in school. I had to study physics a bit to write my book. I read about E = mc2 and sort of understand it. With your knowledge, you would probably find the book written by Gerald Schueler "Enochian Physics" quite asinine. Pages 78-80 talk about "The wave-Particle Duality of Matter" in ref. to light waves. He

says the world of quantum physics is probabilistic. Enochian physics states that true probability or randomness is an illusion. They may appear random to the observer, but they do not lack purpose. If the observer is not aware of the True Will of the group of monads under observation (namely, the photons), he cannot tell whether their actions are random or not. (This is the theory of magical work). The photons were connected by something immeasurable - thought waves.

Maybe that is where your theory of non-energetic transfer of information comes from. It is like the transfer of information a reader gets from the tarot cards. I'd like to hear more on your thoughts about that.

Even the presence of tadpoles in a pond radically alters the characteristics of the pond.

Well, that shook me partly out of my self-pitying mood. Please understand. J.

Dec 16, 1997

You're a tough one. Even the salutations are forgotten. This morning I thought about whether to check my e-mail, or not. I approached the computer with bated breath, my heart pounding. I felt sure (ha! HA!) that my previous salvo would have dropped you, but no! with unadulterated joy I saw the smoke from your guns in the distance.

As people, we are separate in order to find our way back together. Each of us yearns for that ideal other who will fill the gap. "Fall into the Gap" - but a pair of jeans is insufficient to fulfil our needs. Those who are closest are the ones who teach - the ones who nudge us towards our goal. No, there is no ideal lover. If there were, we would never need to search for ideal love. We cannot turn our back on humanity - for we are a part of it. Closeness teaches "----" - the forbidden word, and that is what our spirit needs.

Closeness has to be tempered with separateness. Solitude is essential. Balancing the times of affinity with the moments of abstraction is the greatest challenge of any relationship. Most people fail. Instead of seeing the inside of their partner and knowing when alone-ness is required, they press in upon them, asking questions, pushing for answers, getting personal. If I need to be alone, that does not have to be a reflection on the one I love. (oops! Not supposed to say that word!) (three times, too...)

Even the idea of "god" is a part of our perception. We invented the idea! It must be the most successful idea of all time, yet we have never been able to manifest a "god". We have formed clay with our bare hands into idols, we have painted pictures, established religions, discussed theology, yet the idea remains an idea and cannot be brought into physical manifestation. How, then, can we continue to believe it? What is the power in this idea which haunts us through aeons of time? No other idea of man, which was not brought into form, has survived. Who is this entity and what are the veiled words of power that it speaks?

Taro is a "root". My ass is strong and open for striking - but I might strike back! Yes, it is like an emergency ward. No matter how many patients come through the doors, and are tended to, there are always more. This "more" includes the original ones, who pass through the ward many times. This demands patience. "NOW" over and over again as the vinyl doors swing open to let in another wounded one - oh! It's you again.....

When we understand that the "now" will never pass, then we need to look at our "now" conception of the past and redefine it. Do we want "the past" to be our now? The past is a dream, never to be realized. The future is a story you made up to soothe your broken spirit. ACT NOW. That is why in the now we need to let in "love and light", otherwise we live in our dark machinations for ever. Arthur Koestler wrote "The Ghost in the Machine". I always loved that title. I haven't read the book.....

When I read tarot its like I have to get started, like starting a car. I don't feel I am taken over by anything separate from "myself". It is nothing like driving a car, rather, instead of being an automatic thing it is a thing which involves me totally. My mind is not elsewhere - it is focussed to the point where my individuality disappears and I become the voice. Definitely not rambling, but total concentration - a ball of energy. Yet the words do "just come out".

"All the things that they were given" - but have forgotten. Yes, eternity is within our grasp, yet, as the feather falls into our palm, we must not close our hand on it, or it will escape. For a brief moment, I loved them. I felt a total empathy with them. I became them. There was no separation, for I knew their pain. By entering their pain with them, I was able to take their hand and lead them on their first steps away from it. I hope this is not too metaphorical.

No, I learnt my lesson from the physicist that I could not handle relationships with people who were completely negative. I have a hard time with Kim's husband John for that reason. It is a lesson, to deal with John. I have succeeded in circumventing his negativity, but it drains my energy. That is what I mean about the fountain. There is no use hanging around a dry fountain - one must push on, and find one where water is flowing, or perish spiritually. Even a trickle is better than nothing.

Complete honesty can be achieved by building up trust and by steadfastness. When you know that I am going to reply, no matter what, and I know that you will do the same, we are released from mutual fear. Who cares where the flow of the words will lead us? We are just following the river --no expectations (I try) - no decisions - no plans - uncertainty. The paradox is that the letters are created by our decisions - we plan them.... I hear the trickster's cackle in the forest. Maybe you are the trickster?

It seems like I ask questions but don't expect them to be answered. They are more meant as a pinprick on your consciousness. Something you have to define for yourself. Alone and poor. What a wonderful state! The peace of solitude, no more the questions, the probing, the neediness of others plucking at our sleeves. Alone! To be at one with our inner selves. An end to conflict, to war. For when we separate ourselves from human contact, we free ourselves from problems. Or do we? For, out of their dark boxes in the recesses of our minds come tumbling....what?

Poverty - what a blessed condition! To be able to shake off the shackles of our daily existence. The loan to be signed. The dog who moans at the door. The obligation of the visit, the party, the voice on the phone. The paying-off of debts - money that we spent for useless things that, at the time, seemed essential. To pare things down to the bare minimum. Here is a plan for you.

Alone and poor. To succeed in this demands but a few simple steps. You may die tomorrow, so - better do it now! (a) Poor. First, take the money you have carefully saved from its niches in the mattress, under the carpet, in the bank, bonds, investments. Give it all away. The universe will take care of you if you are on the right path. And I would like:-

A new(er) car, say a Subaru Outback - about $17,000.00

A chin lift, cosmetic surgery 5,000.00

A bathroom reconstruction - with jacuzzi

Tub for two 3,000.00

A new couch/"----" seat set, in soft green

Leather. 2,000.00

I think that will do, for now. Send the money as soon as you can. Now, you can't be truly poor if you have a roof over your head, so I think I would like your RV, too - that would make a nice vacation home. No reason to sell it, for you won't need the money. Give it away.

(b) Alone. You would have to give up your job for you are working with other people and can't be alone. Then, write and tell your friends and family that you are going to be a hermit - hermetic - and that you can never see them again. No good looking for the girl with the granola bar now - being with her would not bring you solitude. Find an island that is uninhabited and cut yourself off from society. Lastly, unplug your computer. Silence me, your friend.

This is a fantasy I made up. Hard to do, eh? But we may die tomorrow.....

When were you in heaven? What makes you think that can't happen again? I will tell you a story.

When I was in Oxford, and in "----" with my physicist, I flipped out and had to have psychriatic (?) treatment. They tried to put me on the equivalent of Prozac. I refused. I preferred my demons. After working with them for many years, I am becoming increasingly familiar with them, in fact, even friendly. Prozac would not have allowed me to do that. Depression is part of inner work, vital. I feel we have to ask ourselves whether our desire to be alone is a haven or an escape. The symbolism of the wall includes both a sacred precinct around ourselves and a protective defence. We need to look at the wall from both angles. Sometimes I see a crack in your wall and I spy the blue tail of a demon hanging out. I can't resist pulling it, even if the bricks burst out of the wall and I am menaced by a truly horrible image.

People depress me if they are the wrong people. There are not many right people, but there are enough.

Physics. Some powerfully creative minds have been thinking of this stuff for aeons. They handed it down to us in the form of magic. The theories of science are only man's theories - who else is there to have "theories"? Surviving the test of "repeatability" - for how long? How many tests? Over ten years, a hundred, a thousand? The twinkling of an eye. There is a probability that if you go on pressing the ENTER key for long enough, you will appear in my presence. Time is finite, but eternity is not. So, zero is not a possible option.

There was a fine scientist from Trent

Whose sole lifetime goal was the bent

To wish to affect

The final effect

And create an eternal event.

Yes, the tree does make a sound in the forest, but that sound is not for our ears. How dare we think that we have the only ears? Yes, the sound of the tree falling is heard by many ears. They may be mouses' ears, coons ears, foxes ears. They are not ours, nor are they always "ears". (Read "The Secret Life of Plants"). Does it count if the ear takes in the sound but can only express it by a bark? (Ha! Ha! Tree bark)

Absolute zero does not exist. Got to go and paint. Julia.

Dec 17, 1997

This is very upsetting, but interesting because it shows how far two people can misunderstand each other. When I saw your message only the first two letters of the last word "Fi-ghting" were showing. I automatically substituted the word "Fi-nally", thinking that you were pleased that I was "coming out of the corner" I had retreated to.

This was not the case. I saw that you had interpreted my message as an attack when it was not meant that way. That is the trouble with humour, if read in another light (yours not necessarily being the wrong one) it can be seen as brutal. That is not what I meant, at all. I am shocked and realize I should not write like that any more.

I am very sorry that you are hurt and felt I had shredded you. I can't understand why you keep saying I am patronising. No-one else, even my closest friends, have accused me of that. Please tell me how I can avoid sounding that way. What is it in my writing that comes out that way to you? I am wondering if this is the "mirror effect" where we object most strongly to facets of the other person that we most dislike in ourselves? For, if you read your own words, the way you arrange the sentences, and the way you "dismiss" subjects one after the other, as if, because they are of no further account to you, "we" will not mention them again. The list of subjects you have now banned is getting longer and longer.

You say "I will not fight back" and yet you do. I did not say that you were afraid of love. I tried to describe how I felt momentarily with these people, in a sincere way. You seem to have taken it personally. I did not mean that.

You flayed me by the following words: That I don't understand what love truly means. I didn't say that I did. It's true, I don't understand, I can only feel. That I have totally missed your concept of why we are separate. It seems that my concept of why we are separate is different from yours. Isn't it OK to have different ideas? That - Yes, I put your words backwards. I did not intend to wound you by that, it was a philosophical paradox meant in a general manner.

The whole paragraph about "Alone and Poor" was meant as a lighthearted fantasy. In fact, if you re-read my words, you will see that I expressly stated that afterwards, for I was fearful that you might not see the joke. I apologise for making the joke - it fell onto stonyground. I would like to say that, of course, I do not want any of your money. I f you recall, some time back, when you suggested coming in with Warner and I on the tarot thing, I told you that I did not want you to take any financial risks on my account. I do not want your things. I am not making fun of you. That was not my intention.

I am sorry I got the precise interpretation of your sentence "I feel as if I had been in heaven" wrong and changed it to "when you were in heaven". Isn't heaven a feeling? It certainly isn't a place, is it? So to me, "feeling as if" is the same as "being" because they are both abstractions.

I disagree that eternity is within time. It has been proved by Einstein that spacetime is a finite concept, I believe. Correct me if I am wrong, please.

You flayed me - a person who knows nothing of science, and had admitted that, by saying "I thought that I made the story simple but I see that I did not make it enough so". If that is not patronising - I don't know what is.

My guns are overheated and may need to be repaired. I must make for port soon. My ship is badly damaged and leaking. I don't want to fight any more. You misunderstand me. I cared about you.

Please, none of that New Age crap. I am crying. Go away.

Dec 17, 1997

Dear Brien,

Thanks for responding. I don't know why I'm getting hurt so easily by you. I thought I was tough. Wrong ...

I hurt you, too. I don't know why we are fighting. I understand if you want to stay away from me, but I don't want you to stay away for ever. Please come back if and when you feel able. I love talking to you - it just gets a little hairy sometimes.

The destroyer is also the creator. You have made me know myself better, and pulled me away from my fake position as the "all-knowing teacher". I am just a fraud.

If I don't hear from you again, I want to thank you for showing me myself and sharing yourself with me. I care, a lot. A fight doesn't change that.

Have a happy Christmas. There is a card in your box at Ballard. Yours, Julia.

Dec 18, 1997

Dear Brien,

I was very glad to hear your voice this morning, and surprized. I hope you weren't too late for the meeting. I guess if they bought you a new modem 56k, etc., etc., whatever it is, they must be pleased with you. Talking to you on the phone took all the angst out of our correspondence and brought me back to earth - you are real, not a 56k modem, and you sounded great!

I'll not be worried if you don't do Christmas up here. I realize that the gossips would go mad if you suddenly appeared! As it is, I can't mention a male name without eyebrows shooting up and sidelong, somewhat pitying glances. I guess they are not where I'm at. Too damned conventional, by gad, sir! However, if you did come up, we could just say you were "passing through" which would not be untrue.

Whatever you choose, my thoughts will be with you on Christmas day. I have spent many Christmases alone myself, but always enjoyed them ( my family was not always so close.) And we have had some uncomfortable ones, since Josie's husband Rich's parents do not like me or Kim - I think they feel we are strangely eccentric and wild. They are a couple of sticks who get drunk every night on cardboard-box wine - Yarrrgh! But they won't be here this Christmas.

Actually the whole thing is a bit of a bore. I always "do" Thanksgiving and Josie does Christmas because there are too many presents to move. The children get so much stuff - Josie and Kim were deprived, so she wants them to have everything she didn't have - which is a lot. But I would not say they are spoilt, in fact, they are pretty good kids. The other night went to a school concert at Kingston Junior High. Sierra (12) is 4th clarinet and the bands played really well for 12-15 yr olds.

I will look out a couple of poems tomorrow and send them. I like to get on the computer last thing at night because I get too tired to do anything else properly. Today I painted two figures in the paintings I am currently working on, and started digging new flower beds.

You made my Christmas by not "going away". I look forward to more, somewhat lighter, discourses for a while. I am happy you are my friend. I like the wink! Goodnight, Julia.

Dec 19, 1997

I had to rack my brains at first to think what I was going to say, in a light vein! I must say I had grabbed the opportunity to talk with an intelligent mind about some of the things that intrigued me about life. I was not disappointed. I only wish we had more time, for I am sure that once you finish the job with Sunmar you will be off and running again and won't be in touch for a while. Never mind, a lot has been said which has been food for thought, and battles fought.

As you know I finished the tarot project last year, and after some tough negotiations with U.S. Games, the deck was published in April and the book in October. Ever since I signed the contract I have been deciding what direction to go in next. Up until recently, I felt I should spend time promoting the thing and getting the word out. Then I felt I should back it up with tarot readings, workshops, etc., so that maybe I change over from boatwork.

I did not realise until I stopped boatwork last month how exhausted I was. I have so much more energy now - even to dig in the garden. The commuting, battling the weather, carpel tunnel syndrome in my right wrist, all were worrying. There is no doubt that hard physical work for 8/10 hours a day is really more than I can handle.

In the last couple of months I have made quite a lot of contacts in the Seattle area. When I go into a store I use my intuition as to my feelings about the owner/buyer. Only about one in five do I feel really good about. The Everett store where I was last weekend was not one of them. I enjoyed doing the readings, but felt drained and sank into a serious depression afterwards. (Hence the adverse effect you noticed). I don't want to do that. To tell you the truth, and I have mentioned this before to you, I would like to leave the project behind and move on to something else. I do have several other projects planned.

Our conversations by e-mail really brought it home to me that I did not want to be out there in the world repeating myself twenty times a day while in the background I would keep hearing the New Age jargon - as I call it - "centering yourself", "listening to your guides", angelic visitations",

"love and light", etc.. Together they form a new dogma which replaces the old doctrines, it says much but does little and I doubt if it will answer our current problems. In fact, I expect within the next ten years, there will be a serious backlash from these beliefs, when people realise that they are not satisfied with the answers.

I am at present living my ideal existence, or getting closer to it, at least. If the day is fine, (not raining) I go out and work in the garden, at least half a day. Inside, I paint, do chores, fart around with the computer. I have cut back completely on spending money and am in winter "hibernation" mode, eating porridge, soup, vegetables, etc. And some meat. Used to be a vegetarian, but got bored. I like bacon too much.

A perfect existence would be to be able to continue this, and include travel two or three times a year, a boat, and a perfect man. It therefore seems unlikely that I will ever achieve my perfect life! Of course, I would have to be perfect, too....

Anyway, I thought I would amuse you with some poems, which I have attached (hopefully) to this letter. "on Social Life", "Trapped", and "The Church on the Dunes" were written in one summer when I was twenty. You can see that I was already weird. "The Frytefulle Demonne" was written while in Antibes - probably 1974 - and was about a friend on the boat next to ours.

I studied Chaucer at school - this is a takeoff on his style.

Hope they brighten up your day. I'd like to hear more of your stuff when you have time to send any. Talk to you soon, I too have compassion and love for you always, Julia.

Dec 23, 1997

Dear Brien,

This is a Christmas wish for you. I am sending the wind, at first a gentle breeze to fan your brow and smooth away the worries, and then a whirling gale to carry power from me to you so that you can look forward to the New Year with enthusiasm.

I wish that you will anticipate the plans the universe holds for you and know that they will be right, whatever happens. I know that you will make the right decisions if you listen to your intuition.

I am in good shape and feeling positive. I leave myself in the hands of my destiny, and not without hope for the future, whatever it holds.

Yesterday was the solstice - now the days will get longer again. Bulbs are already pushing out of the earth in my garden. And so I renew the promise of my friendship with you.

Be happy. My fondest love, Julia.

Dec 26, 1997

Dear Brien,

Thanks, I had a great Christmas. Last Saturday (while you were at your office party, I believe) I went down to the Harbor Pub and met with about 15 people from the Marina. We pretty much took over, and it was neat to see so many friends after a spell away from them. Then, we went to Jane and Eric's on Christmas Eve. Kim and John dressed up and he did an impression of Fletcher's "tickle-me Elmo (or is it Ernie?)" It was very funny. We pigged out on finger food and dessert. Ron and Trudy were there, too.

On the Day we spent it at Josie's house - only family, this year. We usually have other people, or strangers, but none came by. It was a good day. Kim and John gave me some track lights for the studio, and I got a lot of other gifts, some made by the children, which are especially nice. When I left, I felt thankful that our family loves each other and can forgive faults and misdeeds. I felt that Christs' love was alive in our family - even though none of us are religious.

I thought of you. I hope you had a good day, too. I felt sad that I could not see you. I hope I get to see you before you leave, if you are going back to California. I understand that maybe you feel threatened by me and that is why you haven't asked me to come down. But I don't know for sure what the reason is. Anyway, I accept that you don't want to meet right now and hope you will feel differently eventually. I am just the same as I have always been when we met before - nothing has changed.

I hope the computer programming job works out for you. It would be a lot more interesting than working in an office. Have you been in touch with Rick about the solar tester? I keep thinking about how useful that knowledge would be, for all of us. Solar is a thing for the future.

Your dream about the lepers was fascinating. It seems that what kept them going was their love for each other. If one left the group, could she manage on her own? Maybe their days as lepers were numbered

Dec 28, 1997

Hi, Brien,

(I don't watch TV or listen to the radio very much!) However, I can make it to the Pyramid Brewery tomorrow (Monday). It's on 1st South and Royal Brougham, isn't it? Would an early lunch be all right? Say 12 Noon? I will walk-on the 11.10h ferry from Bainbridge to save the vehicle fare, and then walk to the Brewery along 1st South. I might be a few minutes late, but if I don't arrive at all, look for me lying on a grating somewhere along the way....

You must be exhausted, dealing with all the "real life" stuff that goes on down there. The Unions are gaining power again. They successfully destroyed England in the 1960's by crippling strikes. Unfortunately they also ruined their own livelihood.

Please let me know if this is OK for you - either e-mail me later tonight or I'll check again in the morning before I leave here around 10.00h or so.

It will be good to see you. Julia.

Dec 30, 1997

Dear Brien,

I wanted to thank you very much for the lunch yesterday. I am sorry I didn't eat all my food, I seem to lose my appetite when you're around - and I am busy talking!

It was especially neat that you took the time to drive up to see me when you did not have to - that means a lot to me. I loved talking to you and seeing you again in the FLESH!

When you walked into the Pyramid, you looked, momentarily, 49. When I saw you driving away from the ferry dock, it seemed as if you looked 29. And I thought I saw a ghost of a smile hovering round your lips......

Lets continue with the e-mail when you're ready. My ship is leaving port, repaired and with a garden of roses on board. Hope none of them have any thorns! Love ya, Julia.

Jan 2, 1998

Hi, Brien,

First of all, thank you for including me in your newsletter. I felt very honoured to belong with your other friends. I really liked what you said to your father - that is totally neat. Secondly, re. Your most recent message, I was not aware of feeling self-conscious at the brewery - I was too busy concentrating on what we were saying. Maybe I looked as if I was, or sub-consciously I was, and you noticed. I am a very private person and like to keep my special friends and people who really matter to me a secret - for I have found that people are gossips and talk without knowing the real truth about a relationship.

Anyway, I remember that I never finished saying one particular thing to you, and that was, that I had considered getting you a gift, and then thought "What can I give the man who has nothing?" It would be more difficult than finding something for the "man who has everything", for he can always squeeze in one more thing! So, I was going to say that I could only give you my friendship, which does not take up any room, does not have to be moved about, can be put into storage free of charge at any time, and won't need feeding or cleaning.

The good news is that I had a great New Year and I hope you did, too. I took the kids home and then stayed up at Josie and Rich's for a party. We boogied the New Year in to "Jock Jams" with seven kids all whooping up a storm. I'm now back at work on my paintings.

The bad news is that Kim and John are considering a divorce. They have been fighting constantly, but it has gotten worse, and Kim just moved into the house, for now. John leaves for a vacation in Santa Barbara on the 10th for about a month. That will give them time to think. I have to stay out of it, but it is hard. I am affected, no matter what, and losing a lot of sleep. I love them both - I just have to let them decide their destinies for themselves.

I hope you don't mind me telling you this. I do need to confide in someone, and Josie gets too upset. The main problem is, John won't get off his butt and get a life - his negative attitude is getting worse. Kim can't stop nagging him - she is feeling resentful and angry. I hope they try going to counseling before they make a final decision.

So I look out of the window and see the ducks and their simple rotundity soothes me a little. If we lose this place I am out of here - had enough of the USA and will move somewhere else. Tasmania is still possible. I can always make a fresh start - have had to do it often enough.

Dash away the self-pity! Back to your message. I don't think that the people around us at the Pyramid were listening, anyway - they were busy talking about their own shit.

God! How sickening Alice A sounds! That sort of thing is company policy all over. The idea is - no-body must feel left out or forgotten, so they put on this fake thing as if they "really cared". A similar policy operates in the kid's school - they can't choose who to send cards to but have to send them to everybody in the class in case someone's feelings are hurt. Pig-swill, balderdash and codswallop!

This same attitude is what I hate about the "psychic/new age" movement. It's all supposed to be sweetness and light. People turn their backs on the dark side - shut it away, pretend it isn't there. But it hides....

Comments about "giving" - yes, it makes the giver feel good to be so "generous". Nine out of ten times the gifts are something they want for themselves. But I don't feel that one has to feel obligated towards the giver. After all, theoretically they have already received what they wanted - a major ego-boost by thinking about their own plenitude. Hooray for Vladimir, who gave from his heart!

It's easy not to "see" human tragedy in a country as rich as this one is - just turn one's back and go to the store.....

Your poem at the end is really wonderful. It seems as if these are the actions of a man who lives lifes' contradictions fully. A man who seeks to understand.

I'm transcribing the log of the Karekiet up the French canals. Thought you might be interested in bedtime reading when it is finished. The "tough" skipper act..... I will talk more about philosophy, etc. when I have more energy.

I'm shivering. Will take the dogs for a walk. Please write back soon. Julia.

Jan 2, 1998

Hi, Brien,

Kim went back to the bus - they are trying to work it out.

I would rather you did not spoil the day for your date by stopping here. After all, you have arranged to spend the day with her, right? We can meet some other time.

If you wish to leave the photo, please put it in the mailbox. Thanks, Julia.

Jan 3, 1998

Dear Brien,

I note that you decided not to leave the photo, which was a good decision because of the weather. I had left plastic bags in the mailbox in case it didn't fit.

I like the photo a lot and I have confidence that you'll feel able to give it to me at some time in the future.

I hope that you and your date had a great time in Port Townsend. You are right to say that I do not feel comfortable meeting your girl friends. I hope you will be able to excuse my decision on this.

I look forward to hearing from you eventually, Julia.

Jan 4, 1998

Dear Brien

It is fortunate that we have everything written down! The actual words I used in my e-mail yesterday were " I do not feel comfortable meeting your girl friends". I maintain my decision on this - as it causes me a great deal of pain.

It is not true to say that I am "Not interested in meeting people" that you know. I was pleased and flattered to be introduced to your father, Roger and his wife, and, sometime ago, your brothers. I have listened with interest to your relationship with Nellie and offered advice when you were having troubles with Barbara, and I also on five separate occasions invited her to dinner and to parties that I gave - but she never responded.

The terms that you require in our friendship are that I am to stay away from your living area in Olympia - it does not matter what the reasons are. I accept those terms. If you do not wish to accept my terms, then do not reply to this mail - then the "boring topic" will cease.

However, I hope that we may be able to continue our conversation and put this incident behind us. There are limits to everything on this earth, including friendship. I accepted your limits, now I hope you will be able to accept mine regarding the women you are dating. Fondest regards, Julia.

Jan 5, 1998

Dearest Brien,

Thank you for responding. I will explain myself better. I apologize for seeming manipulative. I am glad you did not disappear.

My confusion has been caused by my impression that you have not "played by the rules" which is the unwritten conduct between men and women. In my experience, if a man or woman is not interested in another person sexually, they normally will not bring the subject of sex or making love into the conversation. That is out of consideration for the other person. When you told me you found me attractive, I believed you, and was glad. But maybe the e-mail was wrong or I got it wrong. It was on Dec 2nd and read (?) "For God's sake, Julia, you have to see the (sic) I am attracted to you, else I would not continue the "Battle". " I took this for what it appeared to be, - apparently, wrongly.

As you know, I have always been interested in you, both as a correspondent, as a person, and as a possible lover. This subject was brought up in Orland, when you told me you were only interested in casual relationships at the moment. I accepted that, feeling that maybe if our friendship developed further, our relationship might flow into something different. However, I am also aware that you are interested in physical relationships with many women.

Unfortunately, the more we communicate over the e-mail and have the verbal interaction you want, the further I feel myself loving you. I can not change the gap in our ages or the fact that I am physically unattractive to you. (? since you said you were attracted to me?????) As you know, I chose not to have any relationship with a man for several years, while I was completing my tarot project. Now that the project is finished, I feel the need to get close to someone again and have a complete relationship, which would involve good verbal communication and a satisfying physical relationship.

I feel I can find that with someone, and therefore I have opened myself to that possibility and am looking for a caring lover.

Our correspondence has given me a lot of pleasure, and I would like it to continue, because I feel that we have a lot more to say to each other. However, at this time, I do not want an unbalanced relationship with a man, and remaining emotionally tied to you through our letters effectively stops me from putting my energies in another direction.

Since it now appears you are adamant about not wanting a physical relationship with me, I am asking you to hold our correspondence in abeyance until I find someone who can fulfil my needs in other ways. When that occurs, I will be able to feel less tied to our correspondence, and be able to continue it with a light heart.

For now, then, in love and sadness, I will say goodbye for a while. Julia.

Jan 8, 1998

Dear Brien

I have been doing a lot of thinking. I have reviewed the whole situation as it developed between us during the time we have been writing. I sat in front of you at the Pyramid Brewery and told you that I wanted to continue our e-mail. I also assured you of my continued friendship over the Christmas period.

I allowed my jealousy to get the better of me. See, I told you I was not a guru! Everything was fine until I got the message you sent saying that you were thinking of driving to Port Townsend and dropping by. When you said you were bringing a date, it was a total shock and surprize to me. I did believe that you probably had a girl friend down there, as you had mentioned going out to an Indian restaurant on Christmas day, and I thought it was probable that you were not alone. What threw me was that you had never mentioned the woman in any of our mail until you announced that you would be at my doorstep the next day with her.

I knew I had to stop you from coming - I just could not handle meeting her at such short notice, and I knew I would get angry if you arrived with her. I did not have much time to ask you not to come, which was brusque of me. My mind was not on the question of the photo at all. And I did not even bother to look at your poem - I was too outraged!

Anyway, I realized by your next message that you were annoyed, but at least I didn't have to face meeting her. I then sent the letter trying to explain why I didn't want to meet her - but it seemed to come out that I was manipulating you - which was not intentional, as I was not nearly cool-headed enough to think about that. However, it is perfectly possible that I was unconsciously manipulating you.

I'm glad you are not "hung up on my opinion" - for it is probably worth little. I don't know about being funny - I'm probably very erratic and unpredictable.

So you want communication and verbal interaction. I think I can handle that. I found myself talking to you over the last few days, and I missed that. So I accept your terms - no "physical relationship". I presume that also includes not meeting and being friends, as you would have specified "sexual" otherwise. Please let me know if I am wrong.

Besides, it is going to take me months to find the Other Guy, although I have started looking around and putting out the invisible message. Went to a reception today and met an architect - he was following me around. He said he was an artist and liked to paint the skies up here. I couldn't help stifling a laugh when I thought about him looking with horror at my latest painting, which is of a bunch of guys in drag.

If you feel like bearing with me, I will try my best to stick to our verbal interaction - after all, we have to publish that book, don't we?

Regards, Julia.

Jan 11, 1998

Dear Brien,

I turned on my e-mail tonight after coming back from Everett and, without having "Delivered Now" I found your message there - I don't know how it got onto the screen. But I was glad to see it.

I am also very concerned about your father - he is at that age and in more fragile health. Strokes are unpredictable. Do you think you will go back to Orland? I am glad you wrote what you did write to him in your newsletter, for he knows that you care.

I was aware that you were using me as a "sounding board" - for you said that. I was not born yesterday (fortunately, for I'm not sure I would want to start this one all over again). So I know some things that are going on without being told. You are right when you say we all "use" each other. I think it is good to be "useful". Maybe that is the point of life. Being available for other people gives one a chance to work on one's own stuff, too. A nice, selfish thought!

You and I both work on two levels (or more). We have to live life in the world, and we have a quest to fulfil which is apart from the world, but also in it. I believe that my quest is best fulfilled by interaction on many different levels with various people. I found my copy of the Glass Bead Game - Joseph Knecht leaves Castalia and returns to the world, where he drowns in a swimming race with a young boy (maybe his own self?). There are several reincarnations of his other lives in the book.

I have found out, partly through my correspondence with you, that it just doesn't work for me to rely only on the knowledge I have gained from my researches and philosophical garnerings. I have to bring that into the world, to test it and to live it by interaction with other people. Then I find my weak points, things that I still have to work on. Will they never end? Probably not, at least, not yet.

You need not apologize to me, for I hope that I conveyed in my letters that I was at fault, not you. I have to deal with my jealousy, my anger, you did not cause them - they arose from the past. I wish we could find another word for what we feel for close friends and family - for if one can't call it love, what is it? Human love includes hatred, passion, jealousy, tenderness, anger, nurturing - all of those things, and all to be experienced to find the path to the Beloved through them. We don't mean to hurt each other in this process, we need the courage to go through it to come to a greater understanding on the other side.

It is important to be honest with each other, even if one feels honesty might hurt, for a lie would hurt more because it implies lack of trust. I always found when I said "I love you" to a man in a relationship that I immediately thought afterwards "Why did I say that?" for I had doubts that it was true. I feel that it is easier to convey feelings for another person by behaviour and body language than by words - for they are sometimes hollow.

It is hard not to have expectations - the sneaky ego, you know. It catches one unawares.

Have you thought that maybe you have gained the capacity to love in a deeper, rarer way? I feel that when we are young we "fall in love" all the time. Now I reflect on what I mean by those feelings over a long period of time. The hardest thing to do is to break out of one's protective shell - it takes immense courage and trust in another person. You are not beyond hope unless you want it that way, and even then, grace will reclaim you and walk beside you on the mountain.

I will look at the poem again - I haven't read it properly. It is Barbara, not Becky, isn't it? It seems to me that your expectations of what she could do were beyond her in that particular situation. But she was brave to admit her fear. And grace was there - you made it safely.

I will be thinking of you over the next few days, and sending energy to your father. Whatever is meant to happen, will. I am here as a friend when you need me. Thoughts, Julia.

Jan 13, 1998

Hi, just a note on the mundane world, and some observations. I'm sure the snow has disorganised things down where you are. I skidded into a thuja tree and crushed the poor thing getting out of our driveway. The van has gone in AGAIN for the same problem - misfiring. Have to have it right for this coming weekend as I'll be up in Port Townsend for a workshop. ( I'm working on taking him to court.)

John flew to California on Sat. Last night we were visited by an intelligent wanderer who is a friend of theirs, (nicknamed "the Geek", as he is scrawny with glasses) who works for the forestry/environment. It turned out he was based in Arcata and went to Humboldt College to study environmental education. He is 34, driving around in an old car, very messy, has been working seasonal jobs since he got out of college, wants to put down roots somewhere but doesn't know where, and can't get enough sex. Couldn't help thinking of you - so it must be a perfectly normal pattern, ha! Ha!

Great disappointment. At least, I should have felt it, but am strangely numb. The downtown gallery said they loved my "beautiful artwork" but could not exhibit it because it was the Tarot. Apparently some of her advisors freaked out - must be Christians, or something. I'm just taking the "path of least resistance" as I wind my way through life changes.

No boat work yet - am networking. Counted my food stores and cans, etc., enough for a month, at least. Universe helped by delaying 2 credit cards and the mortgage for a month.....

Ducks have gone - frozen out. But found 9 sets of footprints in the snow this morning, so they must be checking in. I miss them. Daft, really. (Daffy Duck?)

Had a thought about shells. Not an opinion. Michelle P. got into a major wreck with my ex Robert, on the Baja Road. Totalled the truck at 80 mph and walked away. She told me she left "me-shell" in the wrecked truck - realising they had been touched by grace. She is now in counseling working on her relationship with an abusive father, etc., etc.. It took an "epiphany" to get her to see what needed doing after more than fifty years.

Shells can be protective and restricting. Seashells start small and grow bigger to fit the animal inside. The animal never leaves the shell. Seashells are built up in a spiral pattern, adding a little every year. It is hard to reach down to the bottom of them to find out how they started. Turtle shells are shel-tering but slow them down. That makes them more vulnerable. When other slow life-forms filled the earth, turtles were very successful, but now they are the last remaining of their kind, and may become extinct.

The organism inside a shell can only see the inside of the shell except when they come out. The lining of the shell is their limited world. When they emerge, they risk death by capture, but they can see the outside environment and catch things to eat. Most of them have to come out to obtain nutrition. Things that live in shells are more primitive. To live in a shell is to sacrifice mobility, speed and many choices.

A shell can be cracked if the blow is hard enough. The light outside is brighter then the light in the shell, which is filtered. Life in a shell is safer, but lacks extension.

Eggshells are safe places for embryo-things that are waiting for birth. They crack their own shells to come out into the world. They are in charge - eager to see what life is about. Many of us have shells which we can crack ourselves. End of observations.

How is your father? I know it will be a constant concern of yours. There will be some life changes for you, too. I hope your girl friend is supportive and sympathetic about it. Love, Julia.